Then I thought, ah screw it. Relevance, schmelevance.

–

It wasn’t a vacation.

I don’t like vacations, or outings, or retreats. In the past decade, I’ve never had an instance where I went out of the metro for the purpose of leisure or recreation that I enjoyed thoroughly.

It’s not like I hate nature or seeing new places. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. As a former boy scout, I’m typically the guy who appreciates nature more, and the guy who isn’t afraid of getting lost. I also have just enough street smarts to blend in whenever I go to a new place.

It’s just that whatever I do, I always end up being disappointed in those trips. The places may be too tame compared to the camp sites I’ve been at in my youth. The people that are supposed to be drunk refuse to drink, or the people who aren’t supposed to be drunk get waaay too hammered than I’d like. And so on…

Oh and yeah, there’s that thing about being either ignored, burned, or plainly rejected by every girl I like in every freaking outing that I had in the past few years.

So yeah, at this point in my life I’ve already given up on vacations and romance.

And so what I had last week wasn’t a vacation: it was a business trip.

–

What business did I have in Singapore? Only two things:

• Help establish the Filipino presence in the conference, and
• Familiarize myself with Singapore enough to discourage me from working there.

–

The first part was obviously taken care of by the Pecha Kucha I discussed in the previous post. As some of the other PhRUGies have noted, I should’ve went for a full talk as my 6 minute 40 second presentation was much better than some of the main talks in the conference. Oh well, maybe next year.

I didn’t really care about the networking as I’m still not interested in working full time and there were other PhRUGies who were a much better fit for that job.

I did get my Pragmatic Programmer signed, though.

–

The second part was a bit easier. All I had to do was simulate what it would my weekends be like if I would work in Singapore. The goal was to see if doing so would be worth it.

I rode the trains and visited around 90% of the MRT stations. Tourist attractions were out of the question so I limited myself to the malls, seeing the famous “geek” shops and places (the only places relevant to my interests).

Honestly, I was disappointed. Aside from the fast internet and the good food, the place was about as boring as my bedroom.

I was supposed to buy some piece of technology there; a memento of the cheap prices for low-taxed goods. In the end, I only bought stuff that I can’t buy in the Philippines.

For everything else, you could buy it here for much less. You can get cheap tech thanks to sites like TipidPC and TipidCP, and you can get Asian pop-culture merchandise delivered for free via YesAsia. It’s a far cry when I went to Hong Kong 5 years ago and enjoyed seeing hard to find stuff that were not only available, but also sold for much less than what you’d get here.

–

Speaking of Hong Kong, there are a bunch of parallels between the two trips.

Holy week fell in the midst of my Hong Kong trip. My Singapore trip fell in the midst of holy week.

I went to Hong Kong as a developer but did not code (I did profiling stuff at the production environment). I went to Singapore not as a developer but I coded in a programming contest.

I never took the main train lines in Hong Kong. I took all MRT trains in Singapore.

In Hong Kong, I took the Airport Express train and a taxi to the staff house from the airport, and took a bus from the staff house to the airport.
In Singapore, I took an Airport Shuttle service to the hotel, and took a train from the hotel to the airport.

In Hong Kong, everything “official” (food, transpo) was subsidized. In Singapore, I paid it all by myself.

In Hong Kong, I converted peso bills at a bank. In Singapore, I used my ATM cards to withdraw money.

I accidentally saw the final episodes of Monster, an acclaimed anime series, Chinese dubbed on public TV in the middle of the night in Hong Kong.
I forced myself awake to download the final episodes of Puella Magi Madoka Magica, an over-hyped anime series, English fansubbed in the middle of the night (between day 1 and 2 of the conf!) in Singapore.

In Hong Kong, I cared about the people back in the Philippines, working hard and even bringing home pasalubong. In Singapore, I didn’t give a flying fuck about anyone.

If years of kindness and self-sacrifice couldn’t even get me something as simple as free lodging, why should I remain as nice and naive as I was back then?

–

I can’t really say which is better between the two places. Singapore’s multicultural society meant that the people were nicer and had better English. Singaporean-ized Chinese food also tastes better IMHO than authentic Chinese food.

Hong Kong, on the other hand, had cooler weather and had more interesting sights. But it’s hard to like the place when your memories of it involved you being smack dab in the middle of a career/mental breakdown.

–

And that’s 2 places relegated to “I’m okay with short business trips but I won’t work there”. As a veteran otaku, I’m already disillusioned with Japan so that leaves Australia and maybe South Korea.

Just a couple more before I’m totally committed to spending my days turning this shithole of a country to something that would rival those “utopias”.

It’s not that I don’t have the skills needed to be employed; it’s actually the opposite: even though I’m not actively looking for a job, people still come to me asking if I could work for them. My part time teaching and Rails “consultancy” gigs fall under this (i.e. I never “applied” for them formally), and I’m getting emails requesting for interviews from local companies once in a while.

The reason I’m not taking any full-time job offers is different:

It’s been over a year and a half since I left my previous full-time job and I still haven’t fully recovered from burnout. I’m not confident that I’d be able to do software development “grunt-work” at peak performance for more than a few weeks on end.

After a year’s hiatus, I guess it’s safe to say that I’ve suffered permanent damage from my burnout.

—

Looking back, the main turning point of my career was on January 2006.

I was supposed to be transferred to another project. Having endured a year and a half of working on a really difficult enterprise system that was going nowhere, I knew my best bet was to make my programs relatively bug free. This way, I could be moved to another project (since they don’t need me around anymore to fix my programs) and get a fresh start. One bad project should be offset by a good project, right?

As you might expect, my plan backfired. Not only was I pulled back from that new project, I was also assigned to maintain the programs of another developer in my module while he gets to be transferred to another project.

Best. Reward. Ever.

While the whole resource allocation FUBAR was eventually fixed (that developer was also pulled back), the whole incident was a turning point: that was the time that I was pushed beyond my limits.

I was never known to be a weak-willed individual. In college, I had the reputation of surviving (and thriving) in the face of adversity. I’m the guy who graduated with honors without joining a CS-related organization and without having more than 10 friends in the department.

This sense of pride and confidence eventually led to my downfall. I thought this “over the edge” thing was just going to be short and that I could just “hang on” and “bite the bullet” until it passes.

I didn’t know that I had to “hang on” for more than half a year.

—

In hindsight, after reading management and psychology articles on burnout, I’d say that the things I did back then to deal with the problem were the best things you could do in that situation.

Too bad they all failed.

Probably the best thing you can do to deal with burnout is to get a “lifeline”, a person or a group of people who can support you. By listening to your problems and giving sound advice, they could either prevent you from hitting rock bottom, or help you get back up from burnout.

I tried getting lifelines, but there’s this sad fact in the way: In my groups of friends, I’m always a lifeline. I’m the guy you approach when you’ve got problems, whether it’s computer problems, financial problems, or random life problems. Not the other way around.

And this made asking for help really awkward. One notable instance was when I tried approaching a friend that I was sure was good enough to be a lifeline, but then she mistook my “subtle cries for help” as “lame attempts at courting”. That didn’t end well.

So with lifelines out of the question, there’s the cliched advice: “find a way to release your frustrations”.

Nope, didn’t work. The scars on my knuckles prove that venting your anger violently to concrete walls doesn’t help much when you’re burned out.

Then there’s the “exercise will give your brain happy chemicals to help you get out of depression”. And so I hit the gym. Sadly, unlike normal people, those “happy chemicals” don’t work on my brain as advertised. But hey, at least I lost 15 pounds in 2006!

So I gambled with stuff that would have solved my burnout but I lost. Was there anything else I could’ve done at that time?

—

Well, there is one thing that I didn’t try back then:

File for resignation that day in January.

Looking back, I would never have considered doing something as drastic as resigning. But also, hindsight tells me that that move actually makes sense: all of the reasons why I hung on were for naught.

Pride?
The pride you’ll save is nothing compared to the passion that you’ll lose.

Personal redemption?
Thanks to your burnout, you won’t be able to redeem yourself. You won’t get that big project that would compensate for your failed first project. You won’t even get promoted.

Chance to save others from the same fate in the future?
You won’t get promoted. Ergo, you won’t have the opportunity to affect how the management does things.

That cute co-worker you’ve been fond of?
She’ll just shoot you down before you even get serious with her.

I’m not saying that the second half of my stay in my previous company was entirely useless. Even as a burned out employee, I still learned a fair amount of new skills and knowledge in those two years. Things like full-time teaching and interviewing, Linux administration for project deployment, integrating payment into a system, design patterns and refactoring, and so on.

But thinking about it, I probably would have learned all those skills better had I resigned in Jan 2006, took a 3 month break to recharge, and took a job at another company. The teaching and interviewing practice might come a bit later, but that’s a small price to pay when you take into account that I’ve already lost around 2 years of my life to burnout.

—

To sum things up, burnout is a race against time. Once you start having the symptoms, you only have a short amount of time to come up with a solution before you get a full blown case.

What you do in that span of time will decide whether you’d save your career or lose it.

My suggestion? Build strong relationships with lifelines before you set out working yourself to death. You might fall into the same trap as I did and not be able to find suitable lifelines in time.

IMO, getting lifelines from people on your own project is a bad idea. Since you share the same problems, you’re a lot more likely to drag each others down to depression than to drag each other out of it.

Also, consider resigning if the situation becomes unreasonable. I don’t usually give this advice as I’ve seen a lot of friends and colleagues resign prematurely. But given my experience with burnout and depression, I’d come to realize that resigning too late is even worse than resigning too early.

–

TL;DR

I don’t want to work full time for anyone anymore.

After my first job milked me for what I was worth, I:

• never got promoted
• ruined any chances of getting a love life
• got fired for insubordination
• was eventually forgotten by my friends and forced to make new ones
• lost my reason to live

If you can read this, it means I still have no raison d’etre: a robot zombie, highly skilled but dead inside.

Give me a good reason to live and we’ll talk.

Knowledge workers in an organization do not have good human relations because they have a “talent for people.” They have good human relations because they focus on contribution in their own work and in their relationships with others. As a result, their relationships are productive–and this is the only valid definition of “good human relations.” Warm feelings and pleasant words are meaningless, and indeed a false front for wretched attitudes, if there is no achievement in what is, after all, a work-focused and task-focused relationship. On the other hand, and occasional rough word will not disturb a relationship that produces results and accomplishments for all concerned.

From the essay Picking People–The Basic Rules

There is no such thing as an infallible judge of people, at least not on this side of the Pearly Gates. There are, however, a few executives who take their people decisions seriously and work at them.
[World War II US Army Chief of Staff] Marhsall and [General Motors former CEO] Sloan were about as different as two human beings can be, but they followed, and quite consciously, much the same principle in making people decisions.

1. If I put a person into a job and he or she does not perform, I have made a mistake. I have no business blaming that person, no business invoking the “Peter Principle,” no business complaining. I have made a mistake.
2. The soldier has a right to competent command was already an old maxim at the time of Julius Caesar. It is the duty of managers to make sure that the responsible people in their organizations perform.
3. Of all the decisions an executive makes, none is as important as the decisions about people because they determine the performance capacity of the organization. Therefore, I’d better make these decisions well.
4. The one “don’t”: Don’t give new people major assignments, for doing so only compounds the risks. Give the sort of assignment to someone whose behavior and habits you know and who has earned trust and credibility within your organization. Put a high-level newcomer first into an established position where the expectations are known and help is available.

We do not know how to test or predict whether a person’s temperament will be suited to a new environment. We can find this out only by experience. If a move from one kind of work to another does not pan out, the executive who made the decision has to remove the misfit, and fast. But that executive also has to say, I made a mistake, and it is my job to correct it. To keep misfits in a job they could not do is not being kind; it is being cruel. But there is also no reason to let the person go. A company can always use a good bench engineer, a good analyst, a good sales manager. The proper course of action–and it works most times–is to offer the misfit a return to the old job or an equivalent.

–

Executives cannot judge whether a strategic move is a wise one. Nor are they necessarily interested. “I don’t know why we are buying this business in Australia, but it won’t interfere with what we are doing here in Fort Worth” is a common reaction. But when the same executives read that “Joe Smith has been made controller in the XYZ division,” they usually know Joe much better than top management does. These executives should be able to say, “Joe deserves the promotion; he is an excellent choice, just the person that division needs to get the controls appropriate for its rapid growth.”
If, however, Joe got promoted because he is a politician, everybody will know it. They will all say to themselves, Okay, that is the way to get ahead in this company. They will despise their management for forcing them to become politicians but will either quit or become politicians themselves in the end. As we have known for a long time, people in organizations tend to be influenced by the ways they see others being rewarded. And when the rewards go to non-performance, to flattery, or to mere cleverness, the organization will soon decline to nonpeformance, flattery, or cleverness.

Spent most of the day trying to overwrite the Telefonica firmware in the router I bought last Sunday. In the end, I bricked the device. D:

It’s cheap so it’s no big deal. Maybe later I’d build a USB to JTAG cable and try to unbrick it.

Anyway, I was supposed to write about the steps for overwriting the firmware (effectively turning an P880 router into a 3k modem/router) in this post but since I didn’t get to finish the whole thing, I’m going to have to cheat.

Ako Mismo rant below the cut.

–

Now that other useless over-exaggerated issues (sex video, low mortality flu) are flooding the media and that the whole Ako Mismo thing has become commonplace already, I guess it’s about time I write about my personal take on Ako Mismo.

It’s simple. It’s patriotic. It’s fashionable.

No wonder people are enamored by it.

But the question is, do people really understand what it means to say do “ako mismo”?

To the people calling what we skeptical cynics do as “crab mentality”, can you name instances where you acted “ako mismo” in situations where doing so will destroy your reputation, lose “friends”, and generally screw up your life even though in the end you will gain nothing but the knowledge that you did what you had to do?

–

“Ako mismo” is a way of life. It means taking the blame when everyone is passing it around. It means doing something right even though everyone pressures you to do a half-assed job. It means taking high-risk opportunities which fail (spectacularly) most of the time.

People who know me know that it is my way of life.

The most important actions and decisions I made in the past decade all start with “ako mismo”. As a result of those deeds, people respect and fear me. But it’s not because what I did was noble or impressive; they respect and fear me because they know they themselves could not, if put in the same position, make the same choice. They know they cannot take the burden that comes with saying “ako mismo” in those situations.

This is the reason why, as much as I’d like to promote this way of life, I cannot promote “ako mismo”.

It is simple to say, but very difficult to do.

It is patriotic, but in a country of misguided apathetic people.

It is fashionable to wear, but living it makes you an outcast.

And it is not doing something as simple as household chores. It’s doing things no other people are willing to do.

Otherwise, why start it with the words “ako mismo”?

Takte, nakasulat na nga sa unang linya na pumila ako para kunin SSS ID ko, tinatanong ninyo pa ako kung tiungkol sa SSS number ninyo.

Isa kayo sa mga rason kung bakit hindi umuunlad bansa natin.

Spent a good part of the day waiting in line for SSS ID processing. Realized later that I could make a short yet informative post about it.

I don’t want to insult my reader’s intelligence (which is what, averaging 140? ) so I’ll minimize repeating stuff found in the official website.

SSS number

What is it:

It’s the Philippines’ version of US’ Social Security Number. Like its counterpart, not only does it provide employers benefits like insurance and loans, the number also serves as an official identification number.

It’s also compulsory for employees and employers. Prospective employees are required to get one before starting work.

How to apply for it:

As I said above, I won’t be insulting your intelligence–just go to the site for details.

There are some stuff missing from that site, though. They’re common knowledge so they pretty much have the right to leave them out.

First, one can apply for the SSS number at any SSS branch. Just choose the one closest to you for convenience. And yes, all forms are available onsite.

Another thing is that while the process is brief (inspection of documents, double-checking of details, and affixing of thumbmark), there may be a lot of people applying for SSS numbers. Try to come to the office as early as 8AM you don’t want to wait for more than 1 hour in line.

SSS ID

What is it:

It’s just your SSS number in ID form… until you realize it contains your biometric data (mug shot, 4 fingerprints and signature samples).

Because of this, it’s one of the few items that can identify you as a citizen even without other supporting documents. Those other items are your passport, your Seaman’s Book (if you’re a seaman), and your PRC Card (if you’re a registered professional).

The biggest thing going for it is it’s free. You just have to make at least one SSS contribution to be eligible for it. Replacement cards require a fee, though.

How to apply for it:

Look here.

One thing not mentioned there is that the E-6 form requires you to specify the SSS number of your latest employer. Assuming you’re running a legit business, this number is in a plate displayed near the entrance of your office along with other similar government plates e.g. community/business tax. Being unemployed, I just had a former co-worker look it up and text me the number.

Also, the same warning about long lines applies for the ID too. In my experience this morning/afternoon, the counter for E-1 (new applications) and E-6 are the same. The long wait should give you time to think about the 4 digit PIN number which will be asked near the end of the process for locking your biometric data.

And finally, don’t expect the ID to arrive soon. You could, however, follow up after 30 days with the stub provided to you at the end of process.

My.SSS

What is it:

An online account for SSS members. You can inquire your employment and donation history with this account (among other things).

How to apply for it:

Register here.

It’s pretty straightforward. Like ID registration, you’ll need your employer’s number here too.

[09/09/09 update: looks like SSS finally used the correct port numbers for HTTP and HTTPS instead of 7777 and 4443]

[09/16/09 update: I finally got my card in the mail after almost 4 months of waiting. ]

The key word here is stable. I always say flat out that I am not a rich person because I know a lot of people are richer than me because my previous salary isn’t that high. But you will rarely see me complain about money problems. And you will never see me struggling with debt.

Just as losing weight can be simplified to four obvious words, my financial stability can be simplified to four similar obvious words:

Spend Less. Be Content.

Simple advice, yet difficult to follow. For me, I have many reasons why I could follow this advice. This post will cover the top 3, in no particular order.

–

I’ve suffered through countless sermons from my mother about not wasting money. She’d tell stories of how she, a girl from the provinces in a family with 4 brothers and a sister, endured being poor throughout her childhood up to her college days.

I’m not saying that my respect for my mother convinced me to be as frugal as my Ilokano father. Personally, I think she was just bragging. Those annoying sermons made me want to prove myself to her that I can be better in handling limited resources than her. So I never asked for extra money from my parents back when I was in high school and college (I only started getting allowance when I was Grade 6 because we were “poor”). Heck, I even stopped expecting birthday and x-mas presents from my parents after my 18th birthday, but that’s another story.

And prove to her, I did: she currently owes a 5-digit amount from me, with no expected payment date (she’s also unemployed because of the recession).

So much for “teaching” me the value of money.

–

Similar to the previous reason, there’s also my anti-hedonist pragmatist/survivalist nature. Once a survivalist realizes that people are raising families in the provinces with only a fraction of minimum wage, understanding how one must use his money becomes a lot easier.

–

And finally, I also know how it feels to be hungry.

It was sometime during my third year in college. My boarding house’s landlady borrowed P300 from me and I thought that she could pay me back before the I’d exhaust the ~P100 left. Big mistake.

As she wasn’t able to pay me back (I think she made an excuse at that time), I had to go through 2 days without food. Two normal days in UP, that is. In other words, two days of classes and walking around UP to their respective buildings. In hindsight, I should have just borrowed money myself from my boardmates or orgmates, but pride trumped pragmatism at that time and I just decided to tough it out.

An org buddy did give me a monay as a snack while I was starving but it wasn’t enough. By the end of the second day, I was already becoming delirious due to hunger. I couldn’t remember the details (I was already delirious at that time) but somehow the landlady was able to procure P100 to allow me to survive for the rest of the week.

After that incident, I promised myself that I would never put myself in a position where I would be too poor to even afford a week’s worth of food.

–

Next finance post will cover my Four Considerations. Or maybe not. It still depends whether I feel that knowing how one very unpredictable person decides to buy things could really help other people.

I also have to leave for Greenbelt at 6pm so this daily entry will not be as “well researched” as the previous posts.

–

It was my first time to go to Eastwood City. Unlike your average twenty-something yuppie though, I did not take a cab to the place.

I’m not a fan of taxis. Unless the destination is not reachable by other means of public transportation (e.g. jeepneys and buses are prohibited to take the optimal route to the place) or I have a reason to arrive at my destination ASAP, I always prefer to take the latter over the former.

I don’t really know why I don’t prefer taxis. Maybe it’s because the fare’s a lot higher than taking a jeepney or a bus and this conflicts with the indoctrination about my family’s lower class status that I received when I was young. But that doesn’t hold up to the fact that I don’t mind spending the same amount on random purchases of food and drinks.

I know it has nothing to do with annoying drivers. I personally don’t mind them. I even take the front seat instead of the back seat to increase the chance of getting to chat with the driver. If it’s a decent driver, even a short conversation would give me good insights on how the common Filipino perceives the issues in our nation. If it’s not a good driver, I could probably steer the conversation to gutter humor for the lulz.

The most likely reason why I don’t prefer taxis is because it’s not cool. Which is a cooler answer to “How did you get here?”: “I took a taxi”, or “I took a bus from xxx, then took a jeepney to xxx, then walked the rest of the way here. ” Seriously though, the “appeal” thing still sticks. I’m a pragmatist, and riding a taxi instead of taking a jeepney or a bus is just too hedonistic for my tastes.

–

Anyway, back to going to Eastwood.

Ok, taxi’s out of the question, so how do I get to Eastwood using public transportation without a guide? Simple: I’ll just activate the “Trailblazing” skill I learned when I was a Boy Scout.

Trailblazing isn’t really that fancy, it’s basically just map reading, knowing your orientation (e.g. where’s the north), and some other things that will help you reach your destination. Ideally, if I would “trailblaze” a path to Eastwood from Cubao, I’d walk all the way to Eastwood and take note of the public transportation available along the way. I’ll just take public transportation on my subsequent trips.

Walk from Cubao (Farmer’s) to Eastwood? Srsly?

I’m not kidding. I’ve done this a lot of times before. Just ask my friends.

Unfortunately, due to time constraints (I have to be there by 9am) and the fact that I’m going to carry a freaking 20lbs bag to the place, walking was also not an option. So I had to find out how to reach the place by jeepney.

Fortunately, the first Google search hit was relevant to my interests (taga FTI ako… well, not technically but you get the picture). The best advice was to either take a jeepney from Cubao to Libis or jeepney from Ortigas to Rosario then Rosario to Eastwood.

I confirmed with my parents that both routes are ok. My mom gave an alternate route: go to Market-Market then take an FX to Eastwood. Unfortunately, I still haven’t gone to Market-Market yet and two trailblazing “quests” in a day would be too much for me.

And so I took the most convenient route, the FTI – Cubao – Eastwood route. I got to the place with only two hitches: I was a little late (due to traffic), and I didn’t expect that the loading/unloading area for Rosario jeepneys was really behind Ali Mall. That was a 900 meter walk with a 20lbs backpack. D:

On the plus side, I still got to use my map reading skills to be familiar with the place. The orientation was also a bit useful – even after a couple of right and left turns, I was still sure that I took the right jeepney because the shadows confirm that we were really going east.

–

That’s my post for today. Tomorrow’s Wii party day at Lex and Flori‘s so the next post will either be posted early afternoon or in the evening via laptop.

TODO: Change “between heaven and earth” tag to something less pretentious, but still conveys the ironies and contradictions happening in my life due to my nature as an unpredictable educated lower-class citizen.